I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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