headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
