just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
