if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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