I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
