Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
