This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
