There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
