so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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