dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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