so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
