I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
