If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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