You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
