You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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