textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
