Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
