So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
