so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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