That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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