He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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