If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
