My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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