i need an iv and a liver transplant
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
