Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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