I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize