i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
