I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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