Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
