last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This baby is an asshole
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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