1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
