so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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