Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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