its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
