So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
