so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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