Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
