I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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