Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
