I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
