my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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