Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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