I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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