oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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