i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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