Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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