Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
