she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
