remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
