This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
