So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
