we're chasing vodka with high fives
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
