My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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