peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
