Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
