If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
