my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
