went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My vagina just recognized that song.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
